I met my first husband when I was 14 and he was 17 and I loved him almost from that first date.  He was working and I was still at school but we met up most evenings and went out on the weekend.  I was not your average 14 year old having to grow up pretty quickly due to the unconventional home life I had.

We were always breaking up due to my very jealous nature and him wanting to go out with other girls but we survived all of that and when I was 18 we got engaged much to his parent’s displeasure.  Just before my 19^th birthday we got married, no I wasn’t pregnant it just seemed the right thing to do as we loved each other and this was the next step in our relationship.

I had our first son Daniel when I was 21, and thinking back to this time I was still growing up and really did not know the first thing about having a baby.  I remember the husband asking me why I was feeding Daniel when it seemed to him I had only fed him a couple of hours previously, I then had to explain that this is what you did and that feeding on demand could mean every two hours throughout the day and night.  We were both so naive then.

He didn’t change nappies, he didn’t feed the baby, and he didn’t get up in the night to do any of the feeds either.

Daniel was the love of all his grandparents as he was the firstborn in our family, and even though he cried a lot and was a really ‘angry’ baby he was our little boy.

Alexandra came along two years later and sadly born with cerebral palsy, this was an extremely emotional time for us all and very difficult for the husband as we did not have our ‘perfect’ daughter.  Those 10 months that we had Alexandra in our lives was extremely challenging, juggling a two year old son and a baby that demanded constant attention both day and night did put a strain on our relationship but we somehow coped and managed.  When Alexandra died at 10 months we immediately became closer again and talked of trying for another child.

Elliot did not arrive until another two years had passed and this was with the help of the fertility drug Clomid. https://www.babycentre.co.uk/a6186/clomifene-citrate-clomifene-clomid-fertility-drug

I took the drug because I was not ovulating after losing Alexandra and the doctor felt a new baby in my life would help me come to terms with losing my little girl.

Elliot put a smile on all our faces, he was bright, naughty, cheerful, cheeky, and always pushing boundaries.  This time in our life was probably our happiest, we had a lovely home, both of us had good jobs and life was good.

Then Jared was born.

As I have said in my previous blogs Jared was quite a sickly baby and at 5 months caught a virus and he nearly died, thankfully he survived this awful time.  However it was clear that he had mobility and language problems and once again managing three boys, two with educational and mobility issues put a strain on our marriage.

When I discovered I was pregnant again when Jared was just 13 months old, the husband was shocked, actually so was I!  His first question to me was what car we would get….. he was in the motor trade and clearly did not want to drive a people carrier.  He also felt that we did not need another child in our lives.

But here’s the thing, we would never have known we had Fragile X Syndrome if Jack had not been born.

So the downward spiral of our marriage breaking up began and we eventually separated, and initial difficulties with the boys getting to see him were incredibly hard, working through anger on both sides of the breakup, and money – why is this always an issue?  We are now good friends.

I never wanted another man in my life as I had my four boys, a good job, a house and managed to do all the decorating and maintaining the house and then………

I met the second (the present husband as I like to call him TPH) through business, meeting him to discuss opportunities within the company he worked for, we often met for lunch.  He was a nice bloke, didn’t really light my fire and I was not looking for a relationship.

However…….

We started dating and after about 6 months I introduced him to the boys.

One evening he came over to take me out, and as I was not quite ready left him with the boys in the sitting room.  Jack was still in nappies (he was in nappies until he was 12) and I could smell him from upstairs that he needed changing.  I came downstairs to find TPH changing Jack’s nappy and of course I was mortified as changing a nappy on a boy who is 10 is nothing like changing a nappy on a baby.  He told me not to worry as he knew what he was doing.

I fell in love this night.

TPH has played a major part in the boy’s lives, watching them grow into men, supporting me through the many awful times I have had coping with seizures, mental breakdown, and anxiety attacks, he has always been there for me and my boys.  I am not saying it’s been a bed of roses all the time, god we have had some major upsets over the years but we have pulled together and got through those challenging times.

TPH had an operation in January of this year and unfortunately got sepsis and was extremely poorly.  The first husband called me to find out how he was and this meant so much to me and TPH.

He has also told TPH that he is grateful that TPH has been in the boy’s lives and he knows how much he has done for them over the years and still does.

When we were diagnosed with Fragile X Syndrome I so wanted it to be the husband who was the carrier, but I am glad it was me as the pain of knowing probably would have killed him.  Women are more resilient, we learn to cope albeit hiding our sadness and the awful ache we feel in our heart from those that do not understand and managing to still put one foot in front of the other.

Buddha says

A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another.  If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.

To understand everything is to forgive everything

So thank you to both husbands, for giving me my children, for giving me love and for being in my life.