A time in some of our lives when we feel that hole is pulling you in and dragging you under, which is what is happening to me right now.

Why?

A few months ago I was made redundant, it’s not a nice thing to go through as I had loved my job and the people I worked with.  I suppose it was expected as we were told back in November last year that we would be going into administration, but when it finally happened it was quick and brutal.

Your self-worth diminishes overnight and you start asking questions about yourself.

Since the beginning of April I have applied for many jobs, to-date on my spreadsheet I have over 70 job applications that I have sent, some via recruitment agencies, some direct to the company themselves and out of all those applications I have had only five interviews and seven rejection emails, some back within the hour!  I have even had telephone interviews with the person on the other end of the phone saying how wonderful I am and the right calibre for the role on offer, only never to hear from them again.

So I started to explore why I was getting so few interviews and asked a friend who is a HR Director to critique my CV, her words – she thought it was fab and don’t change it…. Some good news then so what is wrong with me?

I believe Ageism is alive and kicking, actually hob nail booting, and when prospective employers/recruitment firms review my CV I think they can work out what age bracket I lie in.

Ageism definition – prejudice or discrimination on the grounds of a person’s age

It can’t be me, can it?

Do I have horns?  Am I not wearing the right clothes?  Am I the wrong sex, gender, colour?  These questions go through my head daily along with feeling worthless, and believe me I really do feel worthless.

I have great skills set, but no one wants me.

I usually hide my feelings and emotions quite tight inside of me not really sharing how I am feeling because I need to be strong when looking after my boys.  Jack has a sixth sense how I am feeling and this can affect him emotionally and whether he starts to feel anxious so keeping ‘me’ under control is extremely important when the boys are home.

However it does not stop me going into our bathroom and screaming into a towel so no one can hear me and having a good cry then clearing up my face and putting that smile back on.

I have tried to remain positive but it is just not happening, the black hole just seems to be getting bigger and I am sinking even further into it.